latest update

I had managed to keep somewhat positive but I know I will have crappy days too. I really do know that God is in charge. When he is ready for me He will take me and not before. I am human and even tho I come off strong I am scared. God is the only thing that will get me through this. I know He will supply whatever I need when I need it. there will be periods of depression and all kinds of other emotions as time goes on.

the dr visit on Friday was both encouraging and not so here goes.

the cancer is not curable

he hopes for it to go into remission

the goal is to prolong my life and for me to have as many good days as possible

he quoted a sixty percent chance that the cancer will respond

the chemo targets rapidly dividing cells which is what this aggressive kind of cancer is so it has a good chance of responding

he says if I am not feeling good most days then it is his job to adjust something

my hair will start to fall out in about 2 weeks

he says that I should not fixate on being a cancer patient and to LIVE MY LIFE

I will wear a wig and refuse to go around looking like a cancer patient as much as I can.

they are going to give me steroids and antihistamines during my chemo visit and anti nausea med that lasts 3 days

I already have the anti nausea meds to take at home if needed

if I don't have chemo his best professional opinion, since he is not God and really doesn't know, is that I would have months

he is very honest and admits that he just does not know how long anyone will live

some patients that he thought would not make it for long are still alive and some that he thought would live are already gone, he just does not know

we appreciate his candor. michelle and dustin were there too.

the answer to "if she doesn't do chemo" question that david asked is what got to me. this stuff has progressed fast and it is so silent and I don't understand how or why this is happening. When I had the original surgery in June 2009 and subsequent radiation I was told it was no where else and there was no reason to think it would come back. I was quoted a recurrence rate of 3-4 percent.

david is glad that this doctor does not mince words and is very honest. he is kind and caring and thinks cancer sucks too. I saw him in kroger with one of his kids and he even hugged me there.

I love all of you.

diane